By Joe Byerly
One of the pitfalls of ambition, if we’re not careful, is that we start looking outward too much, always measuring our life against the lives of others.
They have a nicer house. A cooler job. A better car. Even their vacations look way cooler than ours! We try to keep up with the Joneses and anyone else who becomes the target of our envy.
We start resenting our own circumstances.
We quit chasing our purpose and start chasing people.
We quit doing things for ourselves; we do it for envy.
So we climb. And, we climb.
Yet, envy is a ladder with no top rung.
For the longest time, I couldn’t appreciate the gifts in my own life. I wanted what other people had, and so I climbed.
Envy keeps our eyes on the next rung—never the one we’re standing on. We forget how far we’ve already climbed. We just keep looking up…and climbing.
In one of my favorite essays on contentment, Plutarch describes how prisoners envy the freed, who envy the citizens of Rome, who envy the wealthy citizens of Rome, who envy kings, who envy the gods. And because they are always looking upward, they’re never thankful for what they already have.
The maxim is correct: Comparison is the thief of joy.
Now, when I find my gaze drifting from my ladder to someone else’s, I say three words to myself: pain, price, and perspective.
Let me explain.
First, pain —I never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Yes, they may have a leg up on me in some areas, but they may also be suffering in others.
Plutarch tells a story about a Roman man who was being praised by friends for his seemingly perfect life.
In response, the man held out his shoe and said: “Isn’t it new? Isn’t it nice? But not one of you knows where it rubs on my foot.” No one could see his pain.
As Plutarch continues, he points out that from the outside, lives may look shiny and polished. But only the person wearing the shoe knows where it hurts.
Nobody sees the blisters caused by the daily frictions in another person’s life; frictions that are usually invisible to others.
You can’t see mine, and I can’t see yours. So, why should we waste time being envious of each other?
Second, price —when I start envying someone, I remind myself: that I can’t cherry-pick their life, I have to pay their price.
You can’t take the good and ignore the other stuff.
You can’t have the successes without the sacrifices.
You can’t have fortune without the headaches that come along with it.
You can’t have the title and prestige without the responsibilities.
Life is the full package.
Many of the people we envy, trade something of value for the very thing we envy. We have to ask ourselves if we’re willing to pay that same price. Every life is a whole package.
Finally, perspective —I remind myself that I need to put my life into perspective: based on my circumstances and my gifts, I have so much to be grateful for.
I now do my best to attune my life to my own strengths and weaknesses—to focus my time, energy, and attention on who I am, not who someone else is. I try to stay on my own ladder and not worry about what others are doing on theirs.
By returning my gaze to my ladder; focusing on the rungs my hands grip and my feet stand on—I can appreciate how far I’ve already climbed.
From that place, I have options.
I can keep climbing, pause to enjoy the view, or even change direction. Whatever I choose to do next, I get to choose because it feels right to me.
Pain. Price. Perspective.
Joe Byerly is a retired U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel with 20 years of service, including tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and command of a cavalry squadron in Europe. He earned numerous prestigious awards, including multiple Legion of Merits, Bronze Stars, the Purple Heart, and General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award. In 2013, Joe founded From the Green Notebook.
A passionate advocate for self-knowledge through reading and reflection, he authored The Leader’s 90-Day Notebook and co-authored My Green Notebook: “Know Thyself” Before Changing Jobs, a resource for leaders seeking greater self-awareness. If this post resonated with you or sparked any questions, feel free to reach out to him at Joe@fromthegreennotebook.com.
