By Joe Byerly
If you had told me years ago that the “Sunday Scaries” would one day disappear from my vocabulary—or that the phrase “Thank God it’s Friday” would lose its meaning—I probably wouldn’t have believed you.
Military service gave me incredible experiences and lifelong friendships, but it also came with a constant undercurrent of stress. There was always something I had to do:
If there was a crisis not of my making, I had to take it head-on.
If my team stayed late working on a project, I stayed too.
If a senior leader several echelons above me needed a report, I was digging into it—even if it meant working on a Sunday afternoon.
There was a lot of bureaucracy. A lot of obligations driven by position, not passion.
But when I made the decision to leave, I made myself a promise: I would build a life of “I get to.”
These days, I get to:
Take my kids to school—and be there to pick them up.
Argue with my son about finishing his homework, because I’m around to do so.
Wake up early to read, write, and reflect—and then I get to do it again later in the day.
Work on projects with people I want to work with and work for.
Go on long morning walks with my wife.
And for once, I get to plan a Spring Break vacation in November—without the looming fear of a no-notice deployment.
It’s important to understand that my “I get to” might look completely different than yours.
When I share some of the things I’m excited about, people often get a pained look on their face because the things I get to do don’t seem enjoyable to them at all.
And honestly, there were plenty of things I had to do in the military that were “get tos” for others—which is why many of my friends are still serving today. For them, they still get to serve.
I’ve learned that “I get to” is personal.
It’s not about what looks exciting or meaningful to someone else.
It’s about what you value.
Which is why it’s so important—especially for those of you transitioning out of the military—to take time to reflect on your values, the things that are important to you.
Your values become the foundation for what an “I get to” life looks like.
But to protect that life, I had to add a new word to my vocabulary—“No.”
And honestly, that was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.
In uniform, I had to say yes to just about everything.
Yes to the 1 a.m. phone call.
Yes to the 15-month deployment.
Yes to the training exercise in calf-deep snow.
Yes to the heart-breaking goodbyes.
But on the other side of service, saying no is how we protect the life we’re trying to build.
I’ve had opportunities, some lucrative and others that carried prestige, but they came with a long list of things I’d have to do. So I said no.
Because now, we get to say no. And that’s a powerful kind of freedom.
So yeah—the Sunday Scaries are gone.
Not because life got easier, but because it became mine.
These days, my calendar is filled with things that align with my values, not someone else’s crisis.
I still wake up early. I still work hard. But it’s from a place of choice, not obligation.
And that’s what I wish for everyone stepping into a new chapter: A life built not on what you have to do, but on what you get to do.
Joe Byerly is a retired U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel with 20 years of service, including tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and command of a cavalry squadron in Europe. He earned numerous prestigious awards, including multiple Legion of Merits, Bronze Stars, the Purple Heart, and General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award. In 2013, Joe founded From the Green Notebook.
A passionate advocate for self-knowledge through reading and reflection, he authored The Leader’s 90-Day Notebook and co-authored My Green Notebook: “Know Thyself” Before Changing Jobs, a resource for leaders seeking greater self-awareness. If this post resonated with you or sparked any questions, feel free to reach out to him at Joe@fromthegreennotebook.com.
