By Joe Byerly
One of the first pieces of advice I received when I joined the Army was to create an “I love me book.” This binder became a repository for all my awards, evaluation reports, orders, and even handwritten notes from senior leaders. I still recommend that everyone keep something similar. You never know when you’ll need a physical copy to prove something the computer somehow deleted.
But there’s another book I wish I had started. One I didn’t even consider until I was already out of the Army: a Me Manual.
I came across this idea while reading Managing Up by Melody Wilding. (We also talked about it during our podcast interview.) As she explains, a Me Manual is a personal guidebook that outlines your preferences for processing information, communication, task management, feedback, conflict, and work style.
If I look back at almost every work-related conflict I had, it usually came down to this: either someone didn’t understand my preferences, or I didn’t understand theirs. This is a huge issue in military organizations where we’re constantly moving around. We waste so much time “feeling each other out” and often get it wrong (sometimes terribly wrong) in the process.
Wouldn’t it be easier if we just showed up and exchanged Me Manuals? We could skip the awkward trial-and-error phase and get straight to work without driving each other nuts.
What I love most about this idea is that it forces us to understand ourselves. It makes us pay attention to how we do business.
How many of you reading this could clearly articulate your preferences when it comes to communication, decision-making, task management, and conflict? How many of you could honestly tell someone what your values are, beyond the ones the military gives us or the ones that just sound honorable?
Seriously.
I didn’t start figuring this stuff out until I began journaling. Over time, I started noticing patterns. I learned a thing or two about how I operate. For example, it wasn’t until I was in command that I realized how much I value autonomy.
I remember a moment when someone told me I had to sign a document “right now” or we’d be in “big trouble.” The situation had escalated to the point where all of my decision space had disappeared, and I lost my sh*t! One of my unknown values had been violated.
Looking back, I can’t help but think: what if I’d handed my team a copy of my Me Manual on day one with a simple line like:
“I really value autonomy and decision space. I don’t like being backed into a corner or forced to make a snap decision. Please do your best to give me as much lead time as possible if something needs my attention or requires my signature.”
That one sentence might have saved us all a lot of stress. Note: To my former teammates, I’m sorry!
I saw similar events play out throughout my career too.
I can’t tell you how many times, while working on a staff, we just kept throwing things at the commander to see what stuck. Or how many hours we wasted in internal debates like: Do we brief them in the afternoon or in the morning after their first cup of coffee? Should we lead with the data or get straight to the bottom line? Do we go directly to them with a problem, send an email, a text, or should we just slide a note under their door with letters pieced together from magazine clippings like a ransom note?
All of that could’ve been avoided if we had a better understanding of how our leaders preferred to operate, and if they knew how to clearly articulate those preferences themselves.
So how do you get started?
Melody’s book includes a great list of reflection questions to help build your Me Manual. And if you’ve never done something like this before, try My Green Notebook:”Know Thyself” Before Changing Jobs. Cassie Crosby and I created this 30-day guided journal to help you reflect on the very topics we’ve been talking about: communication style, decision-making, feedback, values, active listening, mentorship, and more. You don’t have to wait until you finish a job either. I used to reflect at the end of my first year of command, so I could learn from my successes and failures and do a better job in in year two.
Finally, in August I published The Leader’s 90-Day Notebook to help you build a consistent journaling habit by providing an easy daily format to follow. It’s the same format I followed throughout my time in command.
We discover who we are through action and reflection. By paying attention to the things that fill our cup, the things that drain our energy, and how we respond (whether positively or poorly) we gain insight that helps us show up as the best version of ourselves.
The “I love me” book is still important, but I think it’s even more important that we know ourselves, and can effectively communicate who we are to the men and women we work with. We’re each unique individuals with different preferences, values, and working styles. The sooner we can name those things, the better we can lead, follow, and collaborate.
Joe Byerly is a retired U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel with 20 years of service, including tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and command of a cavalry squadron in Europe. He earned numerous prestigious awards, including multiple Legion of Merits, Bronze Stars, the Purple Heart, and General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award. In 2013, Joe founded From the Green Notebook . A passionate advocate for self-knowledge through reading and reflection, he authored The Leader’s 90-Day Notebook and co-authored My Green Notebook: “Know Thyself” Before Changing Jobs, a resource for leaders seeking greater self-awareness. If this post resonated with you or sparked any questions, feel free to reach out to him at Joe@fromthegreennotebook.com.
