By Jacob Cool
I experienced a parent’s worst nightmare on June 16, 2020, when the doctor informed me over the phone that my 16-year-old son Jake T. had died unexpectedly. We would later learn he had a rare heart condition. Overwhelming emotions about the past, present, and a future lost hit me like a freight train. My family upended instantly. Regret set in for all my failings as a father and the time I thought I would still have with him. I suddenly had to do many things I never could have imagined, such as deciding whether to bury or cremate him, all while battling our insurance to pay for what would be his final visit to the hospital. The additional realization that I will not see him graduate high school, get married, and have children was unbearable.
My mind went into a fog and I was facing a situation I could not get through on my own. It was in this aftermath I would have put my wife and I into the high-risk category for suicide. I wished for death many nights; I lost hope and the will to live. I knew I needed help, but didn’t know where to go or what to do. A study of suicide rates among military members and veterans showed suicide rates are four times higher than the casualties inflicted in the combat zones of Iraq and Afghanistan over a 20-year period, revealing a systemic mental health problem. As I reflect on why I didn’t become another statistic, I needed more help than a call to a 1-800 number to talk to a counselor. My journey emerging from tragedy revealed a simple but important framework to better prepare others in persevering through life’s challenges. I learned the power of personal resilient habits built up over time, and a comprehensive response to crisis. Integrating four key components brought my wife and I out of some very dark places–my hope is our hard lessons learned will help others and improve the approach to suicide prevention.
Cultivate a Resilient Foundation Everyday
My recovery actually began two-plus decades before the tragic loss of Jake T., through the development and cultivation of resilient habits. Think of your resilience as a tree with a living (or dying) root system. Waiting until crisis to build these practices will not supply the strong foundation needed to weather ‘the storm,’ because a shallow root system will wash away at the first sign of trouble. While there is much written on resilience, I see four basic categories that are critical to continually strengthen and not ignore: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. Each one provides a different benefit that closely aligns to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, from fulfilling essential physiological needs of food and water to the pinnacle of self-actualization in the desire to become the best version of ourselves.
Physical
Your body has basic biological needs requiring a healthy diet, proper rest, and a consistent fitness routine that supports mental health and protects from illness.
Social
‘Real friends’ versus ‘deal friends.’ Following the advice of Aristotle and Arthur Brooks, cultivate deep friendships that don’t rely on work, money, or ambition. Develop relationships based on mutual trust and where you uplift each other up instead of draining the ‘emotional tank.’
Emotional
Personality traits influence how you think, behave, and respond to your environment. Because we are designed differently, it’s critical to understand our unique emotional triggers and apply coping mechanisms and recharging techniques.
Spiritual
I cannot overstate how this habit of prayer, study, and service underpinned my recovery. It is vital to connect with a community that shares your values. The benefit of this element is that it anchors your thoughts and actions to a higher perspective, a higher purpose, thus giving you a hope beyond your immediate situation to live another day, another minute.
Understand that when a crisis strikes, you are in an extremely vulnerable mental and emotional state, so it is important to avoid high-risk behaviors such as substance abuse, violence, risky sexual encounters, and thrill-seeking activities. Additionally, if you can, delay making decisions with long-term consequences like divorce, marriage, buying/selling a home, and so forth. This is also why it’s critical to have a strong and complete resilient foundation before a crisis–good physical condition to guard against sickness, established techniques to process emotions, a genuine social network to support you, and spiritual values that provide a hope beyond your current circumstance are things that cannot be developed overnight.
Components to Crisis
There were four components, when taken together, that helped us navigate and emerge from crisis: our close friends and family, professional counseling, support groups, and commitment to helping others. Like composite materials with interwoven carbon fibers, each recovery component nested together provides a healing process much stronger than the sum of its parts. Each element delivers a different but complementary benefit, enabling a holistic recovery. Depending on the day, you may need more of one and less of another.
Close Friends and Family
Having those ‘real friends’ we developed before the crisis was critical, especially in the early days of the aftermath. Seemingly endless deliveries of dinner casseroles, late night phone calls for crying or yelling, and many unexpected acts of kindness covered us in the support we needed to not feel isolated. Be aware that it’s natural for dynamics in relationships to change– some will get closer, others will drift apart. While our friends’ and family’s empathy and comfort were pivotal, they didn’t provide professional counsel we desperately needed to process our grief.
Professional Counseling
When I first received notification of Jake T.’s death, I didn’t want to talk to a counselor because I wasn’t mentally ready, but I quickly realized I needed the expertise, pragmatic strategies, and helpful techniques to process grief and learn how to be there for my family. Before this event, I thought all counselors were created equal. I quickly learned they are not. Mutual trust between you and your counselor is a must. Our first counselor did not share any commonalities–she was single, had no children, did not share our faith values, and never experienced a traumatic loss. Additionally, her approach focused more on encouragement than frameworks to process our grief. It wasn’t the right fit. Fortunately, we found a different counselor who shared our values, had experienced traumatic loss herself, and provided the guidance we needed.
Support group(s)
To be clear, I’m the last person on this earth that wants to sit in a circle and reveal the most vulnerable thoughts and details of my life to strangers. But my journey revealed finding a group who walked in my shoes in fact provided a different type of recovery assistance than professional counseling. Shared experiences and development of a mentorship strengthened the belief that because others made it through my situation, so can I. I also found it freeing to be emotionally raw with strangers. Because my professional and personal relationships didn’t hinge on their thoughts of me, I felt more liberated to share my true colors.
Helping others
Harvard Professor Arthur Brooks cited many studies in a class I took on the psychological benefits of helping others. He calls it a ‘volunteer glow.’ My wife and I aggressively sought volunteer opportunities in the aftermath of our son’s death, and it was of indescribable significance to our healing process. This recalibrated our focus to a higher purpose and toward the pinnacle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs–reaching our own self-fulfillment and personal growth. This ‘volunteer glow’ shifted our attention off our own troubles by meeting someone else’s needs and gave us a greater appreciation for the blessings we had.
Final Thoughts
“…even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by doing so change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph.”
Viktor Frankl, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’
I challenge you to have the awareness, courage, and perseverance to seek help; it will be a process with nonlinear progress, setbacks, and no finish line. You have to take ownership of your journey. The road to recovery is much harder the longer you wait to start. It’s okay to let others help you–in a way, you are also giving them the benefits of helping. I would never have imagined the number of people that came rushing to support after the loss of Jake T. More people than you know will be there for you–you are not alone. Do not let this momentary circumstance consume your identity, but rise above your situation and turn your pain into motivation to help others. This could just be a bad chapter in a very good book for you. Finally, you cannot go back to the way it was and you don’t want to stay stuck in turmoil; therefore, your best option is to move forward.
Lieutenant Colonel Jacob Cool has served in various leadership positions over a 22-year U.S. Army career with deployments to Iraq, South Korea, and Afghanistan. Jacob holds Master of Science degrees from the National Intelligence University and Troy University. He has also completed a U.S. Army War College Fellowship at the NATO Defense College in Rome, Italy and obtained an Executive Certificate in Nonprofit Leadership from the Harvard Kennedy School.
